Feeling a little 2020-Ragged?

What does it mean to practice self care during times of extreme, sustained stress?

And what is self care, anyway?

Self care is the practice of listening in to how you are feeling and asking yourself what you need, then offering yourself that thing. The nature of self care changes depending on how we are feeling. If you are feeling hungry, then self-care looks like nourishing yourself. If you are feeling tired, then self-care looks like resting. If you are feeling too low (bored, numb), then self-care looks like bringing your level of activation up by engaging the mind and body. If you are feeling too high (anxious, angry, chaotic), then self care looks like bringing your level of activation down by soothing the mind and body.

The goal of self-care isn’t to get rid of difficult emotions, but rather to support our systems in being capable of moving through difficult emotions without losing ourselves. Self-care can help us feel more capable, compassionate, creative and willing, even if it doesn’t eradicate feelings like grief, anger or anxiety.

Difficulties engaging in self care? You’re not alone. These are really difficult times and it is very human and normal to drift towards coping strategies that are highly effective in the short term but less effective in the long term. Caffeine, over-working, sleep-avoidance, alcohol, television, etc. are great for temporarily decreasing our contact with difficult emotions. Unfortunately, sustained increases in the use of these strategies can create a feeling of overall depletion.

So if you’re taking stock of your self care and noticing a lot of these kinds of behaviors, the first thing you can do is extend a lot of compassion towards yourself. Of course you are gravitating towards these activities. They helped for a while. And now they’re not working quite as well. All of this is normal and human and fine.

Getting some of our energy back often means making adjustments with some of our basics: rest, food, media intake, workload, social connection, and self-talk. Here are some simple thoughts on how to check in with each of these systems.

REST

The corner stone of rest is sleep. A solid 8 hours is what an average adult needs to function. So you might want to ask yourself - am I avoiding sleep? Or underestimating how much I need? Lots of us do this when we are not excited about waking up the next day. But prioritizing a bedtime that allows for a reliable 8 hours can really, really help your mood and energy.

If you’re setting a realistic bedtime but having trouble falling asleep, doing something boring or soothing before bed (like a bath, some stretching or reading a book that is not on a screen), decreasing caffeine earlier in the day, and avoiding regular use of alcohol can help. Also, if you are working from home, you may be getting less sunlight than usual. Would it be possible to step out in the sun during the day to support your body’s natural sleep rhythms?

I know that a solid 8 hours can be impossible to rely on for many parents or people with erratic work schedules. But prioritizing rest and doing what you can do to carve out whatever time you can will help, even if 8 hours is not realistic in this moment.

Sleep is complex and if your bedtime routine is solid but you are still struggling to fall or stay asleep, there might be depression or anxiety going on. Seeking emotional support from friends, family and/or a therapist could help.

NOURISHMENT

Stress disrupts our appetite and can interfere with being able to stay attuned with our body’s needs. Additionally, the regular routines of taking a lunch break with coworkers or stopping for a breakfast burrito on the way to work have been interrupted. So it might help to take a look at how you’re nourishing yourself throughout the day. Are you skipping meals or eating erratically? Forgetting to drink water? Drinking more caffeine than usual? Food gives us energy and nourishing ourselves with a wide variety of foods supports the body’s balanced production of neurotransmitters, stabilizing our moods.

If you need help figuring out how to nourish yourself during times of sustained stress or when your appetite is suppressed during mood or anxiety fluctuations, it might be a good time to chat with a registered dietician. Also, if you are finding yourself having difficulties nourishing yourself due to an eating disorder or an increase in body dissatisfaction, just know that you are not alone in being triggered by the general stress and uncertainty of 2020, as well as by the decrease in IRL connection and the increase in video communication. Again, seeking support from a therapist and/or dietician can help.

MEDIA INTAKE

Media intake has become very complicated over the last several years as we try to balance taking care of ourselves emotionally with staying informed. I recommend deciding on a few trusted, balanced sources for information and limiting your time looking for news on social media feeds. This is because social media feeds can be extremely emotionally charged and can include both viable sources of news and speculative or interpretive pieces that resemble news. Additionally, social media feeds include comments sections, which are often a place of high levels of rage and low levels of nuance. Spending too much time on social media feeds can be frightening and disheartening.

If you are feeling overwhelmingly hopeless or helpless, it may be a sign that you are consuming news and social media faster than your nervous system can recover from it. Ideally, we use these tools to learn about the world. Learning about the world allows us to adjust our behavior and take action that is in line with our values. So if we’re feeling incapable of connecting with others or taking action, a decrease in the frequency of checking the news and/or social media may be in order.

WORKLOAD

Working? Lots of people took on denser schedules at the beginning of Safer at Home not realizing that it would last this long. Now is a great time to take a look at your schedule and assess for its sustainability. Remember, during times of extended stress our workload should actually be a little lighter - not heavier. This might mean more mini-vacations, more mental health days, communicating more authentically with your boss and/or coworkers about your needs, or prioritizing taking a lunch break. Your productivity does not in any way define your value.

Not working? At the beginning of quarantine, the internet exploded with messages about taking this “extra time” to learn new skills, make big changes, write screenplays, and pick up hobbies. These are all up-regulating self care strategies and are really helpful if you are feeling dull or claustrophobic and your stress is being sufficiently managed. So if new hobbies are happening for you, great! But if you are finding it extremely difficult to dedicate long periods of time to picking up new skills and applying for new work, just know that you are not alone. When we are extremely stressed we generally do not have the emotional or mental space to think creatively for long periods of time. It can help to have realistic expectations of yourself that take into account the reality of the level of stress in your life. Your productivity does not in any way define your value.

Is parenting your job? Or one of your jobs? Doing the kind of juggling that most parents are doing right now is extremely taxing and it is not always going to look pretty. Checking your workload in terms of parenting may mean relying more heavily on any safe and available support (emotional, financial and practical), challenging any notions of perfectionism you may be holding on to with regards to parenting/distance learning, or solidifying your boundaries in terms of earlier bedtimes or less time engaging in play with your kids. Remember, kids do NOT need our constant attention to thrive. They need intermittent sessions of undivided attention and for us to be predictable, confident in our rules/boundaries and validating of their feelings… and our own. Your productivity does not in any way define your value… and your kid’s productivity does not in any way define your value.

SOCIAL CONNECTION

Put down the phone… and pick up the phone! Lots of us have noticed an increase in social media use related to a desire to approximate social connection. Unfortunately, social media use generally does not make us feel more connected. Phone calls and socially distanced IRL connection are much more effective ways to connect with the people we love and recharge our hearts and minds. I know lots of us are Zoomed Out - there’s no need to turn on that video function unless it sounds pleasant.

Are you having trouble connecting with friends without descending into a communal anxiety spiral? It can help to introduce an activity to the video hangout, or to simply state your boundaries around what topics of conversation are helpful for you. This can be as simple as, “honestly I can’t talk about this anymore. I won’t be able to sleep,” and then introducing a new topic. We can request a change in topic with love, humor and self compassion.

SELF TALK

Try not to restrict self compassion. Remember, your pain is real even when other people are in pain. Your joy is real even when other people are in pain. You can extend an authentic, compassionate stance towards yourself without limiting your ability to extend an authentic, compassionate stance to others. Compassion breeds compassion and there is room for all of us to have our unique emotional experiences during this time.

This includes sending yourself a lot of self compassion for NOT DOING A SINGLE THING ON THIS LIST. You are doing your best and it is normal to feel anxious, depressed, and totally spun out during difficult times. We can greet that with a friendly understanding and some gentle reminders about what might help you feel better. But sometimes we just need to not feel okay.

At the end of the day, emotional perfection is not the goal. You can treat these ideas for self care like a compass. It is normal to veer in other directions during times of stress and uncertainty. And when you start feeling depleted, my hope is that these ideas can help you check your vitals and find some equilibrium during a really rough year.

Much love & onwards.